Mother’s Day gift ideas for someone who has recently lost her mom

anastasia-zhenina-66931-unsplash

Mother’s Day is not the same for me since my mom died seven and a half years ago. The first year after she died, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I no longer had a mother with whom to celebrate (obviously, I still celebrate the fact that I HAD a mother, but her death left a gaping hole which I particularly feel on Mother’s Day), and the weeks of commercials leading up to the day only intensified my feelings of loss. That first year, I spent the Friday and Saturday before Mother’s Day in bed, crying. The actual day itself, however, turned out surprisingly well, because my husband and my three kids were sensitive to my grief and were so very sweet to me.

It’s hard to know how to celebrate Mother’s Day with someone who has recently lost their mother. Should I talk about her mom? Will I make her sad if I do? Should we even celebrate Mother’s Day? All these questions circle in the brain – but the answer is YES, you should talk about her mom and acknowledge Mother’s Day! I asked a few friends what gifts and gestures they most appreciated the first year after their mom died. In honor of the upcoming day on Sunday (in the USA at least), here are some gift ideas for any woman who has recently lost her mom.

A Mother’s Day card with a twist – One of my most treasured Mother’s Day cards from my husband is the one he gave me that first year after my mom died, in which he listed all of my mom’s best qualities and how he saw them continuing on in me. I’m actually tearing up as I write this, because taking the time to think about the things he loved the best about my mom and then write them down for me was such a perceptive, sensitive and loving thing to do. If you know someone who has recently lost her mom, and you knew her mom, a card or even just a phone call to say “I really loved this about your mom, and I see the very same quality in you” will make her so very happy!

greeting-card-2478787_1920

Stories about her mom – So often we don’t speak of the loved one for fear of making the grief worse. Yet, all of my friends said that they loved hearing stories about their mom from people who knew her. One of my friends said, “Recognizing she’s no longer here is important to me.  Ignoring her absence hurts.” So a short note or a phone call sharing your favorite memory or a funny story about her mom would be a treasured gift!

hikers-2713335_1920

Gift of your time – Now that my kids are grown and scattered, time with my kids is precious to me. I don’t usually get to see them on Mother’s Day, but I love when they call or FaceTime with me on the actual day. That first Mother’s Day, my children (who were in middle and high school at the time) spent the entire day with me – they made me breakfast in bed, helped me plant in my yard and played some of my favorite games after dinner. I also love to hike – there is something about being out in nature that is healing, so taking her for a hike might be just the thing! Your time can be particularly important if she doesn’t have kids of her own with whom to spend the day. Sharing a few moments, either in person or long distance, with siblings who share the loss can also be very meaningful. One friend stated that “Talking to and texting my sister on Mother’s Day are also part of my post-Mom ritual.  We both lost our mother and we’re linked by shared history since our births.” This is something I wish I’d been better at those first few years…I’m going to make it a point to call or text my brother and sister on Mother’s Day from now on!

Mom and Dad

A photo of her mom – Find a great photo of her mom, or the two of them, and frame it for her. Another friend, whose mom worked her entire life with preschool children, said she loved getting a picture of her mom reading to a circle of children.  I asked my dad for a copy of their wedding picture, and have it on my bedside table. I also have a fantastic picture of my mom and dad, on their last vacation before her cancer diagnosis, which I keep in my living room.  I love seeing her beautiful smile when I walk past her photos.

aaron-burden-133359-unsplash

Time to be alone – she may not be up for a big celebration this year, so let her make that call. Sometimes, the best gift you can give someone is time alone to rest, recharge and feel sad. My friend said it best…”Feeling sad is healthy – where there is great love, there is great grief.  I don’t want my family to try to jolly me out of this necessary, though brief, poignant sadness.” If she wants to be alone, you can send a text (with no answer required), drop a card with a treat or flowers on her porch, or send a short email to let her know you are thinking of her.

A gift of service – Is there a project with which she could use help? Maybe one she started before her mom died which has been laid to the side? Offer to help her work on it! I am always so grateful when my kids and husband help me with planting – I love my garden, but it’s time consuming to plant every spring, and the fact that they willingly pitch in, despite the fact that they don’t enjoy it, is so very appreciated!

A quilt made from her mom’s favorite clothes – One of my friends, who is a quilter, received a quilt made of fabrics from her mom’s closet. What a thoughtful, personal gesture! I have a piece of my mom’s wedding dress, which I will frame in a shadowbox with my mom and dad’s wedding photo. Another idea would be to stretch the front of a favorite souvenir t-shirt (especially if it’s from a trip she took with her mom) over canvas to be hung.

rod-long-472797-unsplash

Her favorite flowers – As long as she’s not allergic to flowers (my grandma had such bad allergies that we could never give her flowers) a bouquet of her favorite flowers is always a good idea. If her mom had a favorite flower, include some of those in the bouquet as well. Yellow roses were my mom’s favorite, and every time I see them, I think of her. I would love to receive some yellow roses on Mother’s Day in remembrance of my mom.

This year, I am spending the Saturday before Mother’s Day with my aunt, cousins, and sister. I’m so excited to get together with these incredible women, with whom I have a shared history and all of whom have lost our mothers. We are going to celebrate having (and being) bad ass moms, and we’ll probably tell lots of funny stories about my mom, aunt and grandma. Sunday I’ll get to see my youngest son and a young man who is like a son to me, and then on Monday, on my drive home, I’ll stop by Arlington Cemetery to say hi to my mom (as a 20-year Navy Wife, she’s in the columbarium there). I’ll tell her how my kids are doing and about my husband’s job search, catch her up on the extended family news, leave her a yellow rose, and somewhere up there, I hope she’ll know I’m thinking of her.

Living in Limboland (aka dealing with uncertainty)

joey-csunyo-512458-unsplash

Fun fact: I have moved 20 times in my life. I have lived in my current house for 5 years and 9 months, which is precisely three months longer than I’ve ever lived anywhere else. After 20 moves, I am in the first house I’ve ever really loved. My house and my yard bring me such joy; some of my happiest moments of the last five years and nine months have been spent on my front porch. I love Winston Salem – it’s the perfect size for me, there’s a great sense of community, and there are always fun things to do. And my friends here in Winston Salem bring me even more joy than my house!

IMG_3179

Not so fun fact: We will, most likely, be moving again in the not too distant future. My husband has been between jobs for a year, and may be getting a job offer (or two, or maybe even three, if we’re really lucky) in other cities during the next month or so. Now I know some of you might be out there thinking that he should just try to get a job here so we can stay in Winston Salem, since we like it so much.  And he has…but what he does is somewhat specialized, and one of the downfalls of living in a smaller city is that opportunities for him are not plentiful. I work very part time, so his job has a huge influence on where we live at this stage of our lives. I am, however, an integral part of the discussion and decision on which job and location is the best balance between his career goals and the needs of our family. And our long term plan is to come back here at some point for retirement, so it’s not like we’ll be leaving forever. 

**I hope I’m not jinxing the process by writing this post – if you’re paying attention, Fate, I didn’t write that he IS going to get a job offer, just that he MIGHT get a job offer**

Since last year, I’ve known the possibility of another move is in our future. And while I’ve tried not to worry about it, I have to say that the uncertainty has affected me. I’ve basically been living in Limboland for the last year, which equates to constant low level stress. For those of you who move frequently, the following situations may sound familiar to you. Or you may have experienced other worries. Here are some of the ways uncertainty has affected my life this past year, and how I’m dealing with it.

annie-spratt-66432-unsplash

Being afraid to make long term commitments – Last August, I was feeling drawn to a volunteer project that required a commitment for the entire school year. But it didn’t feel ethical taking on that obligation when I knew there was a chance we might move before the school year ended, so I didn’t volunteer. Now, of course, it’s almost the end of the school year, so I could have safely signed up – but I didn’t know that last August, now did I? Even something as simple as a dental cleaning caused stress – should I make the next six-month appointment? What if we move and I forget to cancel it before leaving? Should we buy the new couch we desperately need for our current house, or should we wait because our next living room may be completely different? Anything requiring a commitment more than a month out began a cycle of “what if” that drove me crazy.

christin-hume-588782-unsplash

Anticipatory grief – Because I love where I currently live, I’ve been sad off and on this past year, knowing that I will most likely have to say goodbye to my house, my town, and my friends. Starting all over again in a new city entails so much emotional work – we’ll have to find a place to live (should we buy or rent? live close to work or farther away? can we even FIND a house we’ll both like?), new doctors (not just a Primary Care doctor, but a new dentist, GYN, a new dermatologist, etc.), a new hair salon (this is super hard for women), a new dog sitter, and a new place to workout (will there be a YMCA close to my new house? will it be a nice facility? will they have the classes I like? will there be any long bike trails to train for my ride in September?), along with a myriad other details I haven’t even thought of at this point. I’ve also been remembering how very lonely I was when we first moved here, and am dreading a repeat of that experience. And what if we end up moving somewhere I don’t like? You never really know for sure if you’re going to enjoy the next place until you’re actually there!

Excitement – I know you’re probably thinking “This woman just said she’s dreading saying goodbye – how can she be excited, for pete’s sake?!” It sounds contradictory, but along with my inability to make long term commitments and my dread of being lonely, there is a little fissure of excitement at the opportunity to explore a new part of the country. I inherited my love of travel from my dad (a career Navy man who traveled the world on submarines and aircraft carriers and loved every second), so there is a part of me that is drooling at the chance to share new adventures with my husband. I’m also excited about sharing my excursions with all of you here on the blog!

IMG_4322 (1)

Acceptance – One of my mentors from grad school told me “Life is never 100 percent; it’s always 60/40. As long as the 60 percent is the good stuff, you’re doing okay.” Every place has good and bad. I’ve found that focusing on the good and minimizing the bad to the best of my ability leads to an easier adjustment, so I’ve started making lists of the good things about our potential locations as a way to mentally prepare. Even my least favorite possibility has several good things about it, so no matter where I end up, I’ll be good, and my husband and I will be together, which is hugely important to me. We’ve shared many adventures through the years, and hopefully we have many more to come. Stay tuned for more news as things develop! 

An April goals update…

IMG_9258

Happy Saturday everyone!

Back in March, I wrote about my ideal day and my “feeling goals”, and said I would post an update in April.  I’m at a family wedding this weekend so am sharing this quick update today in lieu of a travel-related post.

If you remember, I described my ideal day as calm yet energetic, filled with fresh air and sunshine, something productive, something fun, something active, quality food to fuel my body, and a good night’s sleep. Using this scenario as a guideline, I chose the following Feeling goals: energetic, productive, happy, well-rested, and active.

How did I do?

alexandra-gorn-325610-unsplash

Doing one small task before my morning coffee – I accomplished this about half the time in the last few weeks, and definitely notice an improvement in how energetic I feel when I get one small (even tiny) task done upon first waking. Even something simple like drinking 16 ounces of water or making the bed makes a big difference! My goal for April is to create a list of simple tasks that I can tackle upon awakening (my brain can’t handle anything too complex before coffee lol) and then improve my percentages in May.

Blocking out time to work on my blog – I’m still struggling with time management and carving out time to work on the blog. I’ve recently been introduced to Google calendar by a friend, and I am currently playing around with the app to create reminders and goals. I’ve set a goal of working on my blog three times a week, for two hours at a stretch, in the afternoons. Google calendar looks through my events and finds a good time to squeeze it in, which is very helpful. Once it’s on my calendar, I can rearrange if needed, but I am much more likely to keep the time sacred once it’s blocked out.

kari-shea-189168-unsplash

Trying three different coffee shops – I tried two coffee shops in March, and realized that I am not a fan of working at Starbucks, as the loud music doesn’t allow for the concentration I need when writing. I am currently researching independent coffee shops in Winston Salem for a blog post, so am making some good progress on this goal in April.

jessica-knowlden-588290-unsplash

Going to bed earlier and disconnecting from electronics by 8 PM – complete and utter fail! In the last five weeks, I have only been asleep before midnight 11 times, and asleep by 11:30 PM FIVE times! So I am really missing the boat on this one. I have done a bit better turning electronics off early, but it’s really more like 9 or 9:30 rather than 8 PM that they go off. I feel most energetic when I wake up between 8 and 8:30 am, so I’d like to be asleep by 11:30. I’d be very interested in hearing your tips on getting into good sleep patterns!

ayo-ogunseinde-493903-unsplash

Exercise – this is one goal where I’m doing great! My goal was 20 workouts in March, and I did 24. I checked off my “fresh air and sunshine” goal on 27 of the last 30 days as well, so I am rocking and rolling on the exercise front! My April and May goals are to do 20 workouts per month and one minute of planks five days each week. I find that when I do planks consistently, I feel stronger and it only takes a minute out of my day, so it’s a win-win.

brenda-godinez-373449-unsplash

Breakfast – you are my downfall! After my morning latte, I’m not usually hungry, so I forget to eat until lunchtime, which is often when I end up having my fruit smoothie. I keep reading about the importance of fueling your body in the morning, so might try prepping “smoothie bags” on Sunday to make it easier for my morning brain – I could just dump the contents into the blender, add almond milk, and voila – breakfast! I’ll likely add a column to my chart for eating SOMETHING in the am, even if it’s just a banana or a hard-boiled egg. Look for my May update to see how I do!

IMG_8807

Something fun – While I only did one full day outing in March (my overnight to Macon, Georgia), I did go to the opera with my husband, meet friends for lunch, schedule coffee dates, and have lots of exercise dates with friends, so am definitely feeling happy with this category. I’ve also read several good books lately and traveled for family events (two weddings in April) which has been fun. I’ve got some fun trips planned in the next few weeks as well, so watch for some new posts in my Wednesday Wanderings series! And let me know if you’d like to hear what I’ve been reading.

**I’d really love to hear your tips for better sleep and time management! Leave a comment below if you have any advice!**

Steps I take every day to stay healthy

wooden bridge yoga

What an ideal place to practice yoga! Photo by CATHY PHAM on Unsplash

A few years ago, after my mom died of cancer, I decided to make my efforts to stay healthy more intentional. I thought long and hard about the positive steps I need to take every day to be healthy, both mentally and physically, and have tweaked a few over the years.  I’m not sure anyone will be interested, but I thought I’d share them with you today, as I feel so much healthier and more energetic when I do these things consistently! I make a chart each week and tape it to my refrigerator so I can keep track and check each item off as I complete it. I tend to get distracted easily, so it really helps me to keep my chart where I can see it constantly.

**Of course, I’m not a doctor, so just because these steps seem to be working for me, please consult with your doctor before taking any supplements or making any other significant health changes!**

water with mint.jpg

Who says water has to be boring? Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

Drinking lots of water has so many benefits – it helps prevent UTI’s, benefits your circulatory system, hydrates your skin and body, AND I’ve noticed that I have fewer hot flashes when I drink 10-12 cups of water a day.  10-12 cups is a LOT of water….I try to drink 16 oz. before my morning coffee, and to finish most of it by dinner time so I’m not up all night trekking back and forth to the bathroom. I also jazz it up sometimes with mint, slices of fruit, etc. Strawberry/mint is one of my favorite combos!

blueberries

I can never get enough blueberries! Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Five to seven servings of fruits and veggies per day – I love fresh fruit, but have never been a big fan of veggies, so I’ve really struggled with this one. I don’t worry too much about how many servings of each; rather I lump them together and just try to make sure I include one or the other (or both!) at most meals.

Vitamins – I take a multivitamin plus other types of supplements, mostly ones that are recommended by my doctors (Vitamin D3, evening primrose oil for my eyes, black cohosh for hot flashes). I also take allergy and asthma medications. I parcel my vitamins out between breakfast and dinner, and check off on my chart to make sure I take them each day.

dog sleeping

I’ve been known to sleep like this! Photo by Lauren Kay on Unsplash

Sleep – Oh my gosh this one makes SUCH a difference! When I get a great night’s sleep, I feel like I can take on the world; I have lots of energy and I am more active and productive during the day. And yet it seems to be the goal that is the most elusive of them all. As I’ve mentioned before, I need a good eight to nine hours of sleep to function optimally.  I am not always good at making sure I turn my electronics off several hours before I go to bed, even though I realize this makes it much easier for my brain to quiet so I can sleep well. I stay away from caffeine after 1 PM, and generally try to go upstairs an hour before I want to be asleep, and after washing my face, I relax in bed with a good book to wind down. I also find that taking a few milligrams of melatonin helps, but if I take it too late at night, I’m sluggish the next morning, so timing is everything!

cycle route.jpg

Czech republic, here we come! Photo by Gemma Evans on Unsplash

Exercise – To feel my optimal best, I need to do some kind of activity during the day. I’m currently training for my next bike trip (cycling the Czech Republic in September with two friends) so my current routine includes at least one spin class each week. I also try to get in two barre classes (I love barre – it’s strength training but without the bear crawls, burpees, and mountain climbers that I hated in boot camp!) and I fill in the other days with walks in the fresh air and sunshine, some run/walk intervals, or an occasional yoga class.  As our bike trip gets closer, we will start doing some longer rides to get our bums used to being in the saddle for hours on end.

Strength Training and Flexibility – This is a recent tweak – I stopped doing boot camp about a year and a half ago, and recently noticed that my body just doesn’t move as well anymore.  I am so excited that I found barre as it nicely fits into this category.  I also include yoga here, and some days I just do a few minutes of strength training or stretching at home.  I shoot for two barre classes a week plus two-three at home sessions.  I’ve decided to try some “yoga for beginners” videos on YouTube – I tried Yoga with Adriene last week and loved her beginner video!

Headspace – Another recent addition; I use the Headspace app for meditation, and while some days I’m able to get into the groove better than others, I am really appreciating the sense of calm that pervades my days when I make the effort to include 5-10 minutes of mediation. I also find that I’m more able to identify when I’m feeling stressed  (I’m looking at you, New York State Real Estate that doesn’t set a closing date on a home purchase until a week before closing – what is up with that nonsense???) and work to release the stress so it doesn’t set off a ripple effect through my day. 

sunshine and yellow flowers

I love being outside on a sunny spring day! Photo by Crawford Ifland on Unsplash

Fresh Air and Sunshine – This category I added last fall, when the days were starting to shorten and we had a week of gray, yucky days. I was suffering from a case of the doldrums, then took a walk on the first nice day we experienced, and had an “AHA” moment! Fresh air and sunshine make a dramatic difference in my mood – even if I just sit on my front porch to read or meditate, my happiness level rises noticeably. One of the things I’ve become most appreciative of is the amount of sunshine we receive here in North Carolina…it’s truly a game changer for me!

What do you do every day to stay healthy?? I’d love to hear your tips!

 

My Travel Bucket List

Rome Pantheon

Pantheon in Rome – Photo by Evan Qu on Unsplash

Hello! I don’t know if everyone has a travel bucket list, but I definitely do. It seems the more I travel, the longer my list gets…does this happen to anyone else?  I meet other travelers, and they tell me about cool places they’ve visited, and wham, another place goes on my list! 

I thought I’d share mine today…I’d love to hear about yours as well!

Watch snow fall through the oculus in the Pantheon in Rome – This one comes straight from the book Four Seasons in Rome, a travel memoir written by Anthony Doerr. As it only snows in Rome about once every four years, this one will be tricky to accomplish – I’d have to basically watch the weather forecast and then grab a last minute flight! Starting to save my pennies now…as it snowed in Rome last month, I should have a few years to save up. **Alas, I was woefully unprepared last month to take a last minute trip – you can bet I won’t miss that chance next time!**

Ride bikes along the Danube in Austria with my daughter – I did this trip two years ago, with two girlfriends, and I’m super excited to return and share the adventure with my daughter!  I took lots of notes about the towns I liked and didn’t like, so the second ride should be even better logistically, and I love spending one on one time with my girl.

jokulsarlon

Jokulsarlon Glacier Lagoon in Iceland

Drive Iceland’s Ring Road with my husband and two sons – My daughter and I went to Iceland a few years ago, and I kept thinking how much my husband and sons would like it! I would love to go back with my men and explore even more of Iceland by driving the Ring Road all the way around the country.

Rent an apartment in Paris by myself for two weeks – I love Paris, I’ve been to Paris a few times, and want to go by myself next year. I want to explore at my own pace, on my own schedule, and sit in a cafe and read for six hours without worrying that my companion is bored. 

Take a summer road trip entirely planned around library book sales – my family and I are total book lovers.  We can spend days in used book stores. Last summer we were visiting our oldest son in Upstate New York and found a library used book sale. We happily spent a couple of hours browsing and went home with two boxes full of books. At some point on the drive home, we said “Wouldn’t it be fun to plan an entire road trip and just go from one library sale to another?” So one of these years, the Debrecht Family Library Book Sale Road Trip will happen – though I’m afraid we would have to rent a moving truck to haul our purchases home!

Explore Slovenia – It’s been on my list for years, but I haven’t made it yet! I keep seeing photos which make me long to go explore – I don’t think 2018 will be the year, but who knows!

Visit a Southern Living Idea House – every year, Southern Living magazine features their idea house. These houses always look so beautiful, and I’d love to actually visit one at some point. Maybe this year, since I live in the South right now?

Great Wall.jpg

See all those people? That’s what I want to avoid! Photo by Melissa on Unsplash

Hike an uncrowded section of the Great Wall of China – I’ve never been to Asia, but would love at some point to hike the wall where there are not ten million tourists all walking at the same time…surely, with thousands of miles of wall, I should be able to accomplish this, right?? There’s even one section lit up at night for a night hike!

Spend Christmas in Europe – I’d love to travel with my family to Europe for Christmas one year – wander the Christmas markets, enjoy ice skating and holiday decorations, and experience how other countries celebrate the holiday. I don’t have a particular destination in mind and would be happy to let my family choose! **Hubby, if you’re reading this, I think Christmas of 2019 would be perfect!**

Delicate Arch Utah.jpg

Delicate Arch in Arches National Park, Utah – Photo by Ganapathy Kumar on Unsplash

Visit the six states I haven’t seen – Courtesy of my 20 moves and love of travel, I’ve visited 44 of the 50 United States. I’m only missing Alaska, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Utah, and Vermont (I know, Vermont’s the outlier here – somehow, despite the fact we lived in Connecticut for five years, we never made it to Vermont). At some point, I’ll make it to these six and will be able to say I’ve seen all 50 of our beautiful states! I still remember the huge argument I had with a Texan when I was in college…he said that Texas had the most interesting history of any state, and I argued that each state had its own unique story and that they were all fascinating. Can’t wait to explore the last six and learn their stories!

What places and experiences are on your travel bucket list??? Maybe I’ll add a few more to mine….

As always, thanks so much for reading and have a great weekend!

 

A Quick Life Update…and how I want to be remembered

quentin-rey-8846-unsplash

Happy Tuesday everyone! I hope you all had a lovely St Patrick’s Day weekend! My husband and I ended up driving to St Louis for his uncle’s funeral; it somehow seems fitting than an Irishman should be buried on St. Patrick’s Day, doesn’t it? I had a post almost completed on the steps I take every day to stay healthy (it will be up later this week), but then something the priest said during the homily turned my thoughts in a completely different direction. He said that Uncle Bill could be summed up in the following three statements: “He loved his family, he loved his country, and he loved God”. My brain started swirling…how do I want my life to be summed up after I’m gone? And does the way I live line up with how I want to be remembered?

After much thought, I’ve settled on four statements: I want to be remembered as someone who had a fierce love of family and friends; who was kind, caring and looked for the good in people; who had an adventurous spirit and loved exploring this big wide world; who loved her country with her whole heart and was dedicated to making it better.

Does the way I live line up with these goals?  It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day minutiae of life and forget about the big picture. We all have times when we barely manage to put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day. But I think it’s important to step back now and then to ensure that our daily actions are leading us toward our bigger goals and dreams. I love to get away for an entire day two or three times a year for just this purpose, but sometimes I just quietly spend an hour alone at a local coffee shop for a short refresher.

christiana-rivers-466086-unsplash

So here’s a quick update on the four areas and where I think I can be doing better…

Fierce love of family and friends – there is no doubt that I dearly love my family and friends, but I’m not always careful with my tone of voice, and I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been a bit grumpy with my husband. He is one of the most important people in my world, so he should get the best of me rather than the worst. I know that the people with whom we feel safest are the ones we dump on, because we are secure that they will love us anyway, but shouldn’t he deserve my best efforts to be caring? I am going to be more intentional about speaking kindly to this amazing man of mine.

Kind, caring and looking for the good in people – honestly, can’t we all use a bit of improvement here?? While I do think in general this describes me, I have to admit that 2017 was a challenge. I spent a lot of time angry at the current political climate and falling into the political divide of judging people who voted differently than I. But no more. Being judgmental benefits no one, and builds no bridges. Instead, I’m going to be curious, and look for the things we have in common. I’m going to look for good in everyone I meet, and more actively cultivate compassion and kindness, especially in the little everyday moments.

eddy-lackmann-57741-unsplashAn adventurous spirit and love of exploring this great big world – this has been a big focus lately, with the start up of this blog. Travel has always been my passion, and I’m having so much fun sharing my travels with you all! I’m based in North Carolina, so if there are any places in the South that you’d like to read about, let me know and I’ll happily explore and share what I find. North Carolina is beautiful in the spring, so I’m planning on searching out some botanical gardens for you, among other adventures. My outdoor training bike rides will be starting up soon as well, so you’ll probably see reviews of long distance bike trails in the Carolinas and Virginia – I have the Neuse River Greenway Trail and the New River Trail on my list for April!

Love of my country and dedication to making it better – As I previously stated, I spent much of 2017 angry. While I’m still angry at the current administration, I’ve decided to focus my efforts on making my community better and positive political action rather than just being angry all the time. So I’ve taken concrete action to make a difference in my community. I’ve started volunteering and I’ve committed to help get out the votes in my precinct. These actions are a better use of my time than just sitting around being angry, and have the power to make a difference in a positive direction.

So there’s my quick update! How often do you get away to reflect? Do you have any favorite places to go for a day or an overnight? As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you have a great week!

My Ideal Day (and my “Feeling Goals” for March)

FullSizeRender 14

The view from my front porch – my happy place!

Hello everyone! I have been home for an entire month now, and as much as I love my time at home, I’m getting bored with my routine! Does this happen to anyone else? I have fallen into a cycle of going to bed too late, not sleeping well, and then feeling sluggish all day, so I’m going to change things up a bit for March.  Here’s my plan…

I’ve just started a book called The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte, and am finding it an interesting mind shift from setting goals of “What do I want to accomplish” to setting goals of “How do I want to feel?”  Danielle suggests thinking FIRST about how you want to feel, and then choosing actions that will support those feelings.

Me on trail

My ideal day includes exercise, fresh air and sunshine

My ideal day would be calm yet energetic, filled with fresh air and sunshine, something productive, something fun, something active, quality food to fuel my body, and a good night’s sleep. Using this scenario as a guideline, I chose the following Feeling goals: energetic, productive, happy, well-rested, and active.

I want to set a tone of feeling ENERGETIC and PRODUCTIVE early in the day, so instead of my current habit of getting up and sitting with my coffee and computer for an hour first thing, I’m going to accomplish one small task before I sit down with my coffee. Even starting a load of laundry or making the bed will get my head in the “I’m going to be up and moving today” mindset!

Another PRODUCTIVE goal will be to schedule time to work on my blog – if I want to eventually start earning money from this endeavor, I need to treat it as a job and not a hobby. I do have a home office, but think I would also benefit mentally from getting out of the house sometimes and working at a local coffee shop. In March, I want to try out three different places and see which ones I like the best. 

I want to feel WELL RESTED, so I am going to start my bedtime routine by 10:30 PM and be in bed reading by 11. I am someone who needs LOTS of sleep – seriously, 8-8.5 hours is ideal, so this is a key goal for March! Another step which will help me sleep better will be to step away from electronics by 8 PM…so, other than an occasional texting session with my kids (they are all grown and live far away), the computer and phone will be put away at 8 PM.

I want to feel ACTIVE – for me, this requires getting in some form of exercise most days. I’m currently starting to train for my next bike trip (I’m biking the Czech Republic with friends in September!) so I’ve been including spin and barre classes along with outdoor walks and runs on sunny days. I’ve found that I love exercising outdoors so this also ticks the fresh air and sunshine box – on the days I do an indoor class, I usually spend some time on my front porch to get that fresh air and sunshine. I use my porch time to work on my blog, meditate (I’m loving the Headspace app), or just read a book.

FullSizeRender 9

The base ingredients for my morning smoothie

Two other items that help me feel ENERGETIC and HAPPY are the “something fun” and “food to fuel my body” categories. I need to incorporate something fun into my days…whether it’s a day trip somewhere, a hike, sitting on my porch with a good book, or coffee with friends. I’m setting aside three days this month to schedule all-day outings, either with my husband or by myself. As for fueling my body, I’ve found that what I eat for breakfast makes a huge difference in how I feel. I love carbs for breakfast (I’m a total pancakes/waffles girl) but I feel best when I start my day with a fruit smoothie. I use almond milk, a handful of spinach, some greek yogurt, and frozen fruit to make a delicious tropical smoothie and feel way more alert than if I eat waffles:) So I’m going to start most days with a fruit smoothie.

FullSizeRender 13

My favorite fruits to add to my morning smoothie

So there are my goals for March…I’ll report back in early April and let you know how I did! How do you go about setting goals? I’d love to hear your thoughts…we can all learn from each other!

The Best Travel Gift I Ever Received

 

teddy bear reading

**For those of you who don’t know, I am a voracious reader.  Reading, traveling, and sitting on my front porch (usually with a good book and coffee) are three of my absolute favorite activities. I used to be one of those travelers carrying several books in my luggage…until my husband bought me a Kindle! BEST. GIFT. EVER!**

According to Ambassador International, March 2-8 is “Read an E-book week”. In honor of the mighty E-book, here are my five favorite things about E-books and a list of some of the best E-books I’ve read lately. I do love a good print book as well, but there are definitely some advantages to an E-reader, especially for traveling.

You can load hundreds of books onto an E-reader, and save room and weight in your luggage. Seriously, this is one of the best things about my Kindle – I no longer lug several books per trip – I load up my Kindle and away I go!

The battery lasts a very long time! With the WIFI off, my fully charged Kindle can last up to two weeks before it needs charging. That means one less cord to pack if my trip is ten days or less.

My Kindle case has a built in light, which is great for reading in bed (or on the plane) without having to turn on an overhead light and bother those around me. I love that my kindle doesn’t have a backlit screen, as those tend to make it harder for me to fall asleep, and I often read at night.

You can adjust the size of the print.  Now that I need reading glasses, this is so helpful…I can adjust the size of the print if I don’t have my reading glasses with me and continue reading.

I can buy new books as I go, and download them when I’m connected to the WIFI in my hotel or at the local coffee shop.

kindle with reading glasses

I could spend hundreds of dollars a year on books…and sometimes do! However, I’ve been trying to utilize more free and low-cost methods lately – here are some of the best ways I get ebooks without spending tons of money.

The best FREE way to read e-books is to utilize your public library! My library doesn’t always have the book I want, but when they do, I can check it out from my library and download it right to my kindle.  I’ve been using this service more and more lately…you gotta love public libraries!!

When I see an e-book I’m interested in, I add it to my shopping list on Amazon.  Amazon puts Kindle books on sale all the time, so I periodically run through my list and see if the prices have dropped.

Another great source of sale books is Modern Mrs. Darcy – Anne curates the selection of daily Kindle book sales and sends her best picks out in a daily newsletter. I’ve bought many a book (usually for $2-3) from her recommendations. If you’re a fellow book lover, check out her blog – I’ve been participating in her annual reading challenges for three years now and love them!

With my Amazon prime membership, I get one free e-book each month, plus access to the Amazon Prime Reading Library. I can borrow up to ten books at a time and keep them as long as I like. I also currently subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, but I’m not sure I’m going to continue this subscription – it’s only $9.99 per month, but I don’t think I read enough Kindle Unlimited books to justify the cost.  My goal for March is to finish the books I currently have downloaded from Kindle Unlimited and then cancel my subscription. I have a HUGE backlog of books on my TBR (To Be Read) pile, so I want to get caught up rather than continuing to pay for a service I’m not fully utilizing.

coffee on porch

What I’ve read lately…

The Stargazer’s Sister by Carrie Brown – The story of a woman who was an excellent astronomer but was overlooked because she was a woman.

Radio Girls by Sarah-Jane Stratford – A fascinating novel about the early days of the BBC and the women who worked there.

Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue – Great novel about one immigrant’s experience in America – an Oprah’s Book Club pick.

Rules of Civility by Amor Towles – One of the best books I’ve read in the last five years – I’m on the waitlist at my library for his “A Gentleman in Moscow”.

The Dollhouse by Fiona Davis – A fantastic look at New York City in the 1950’s and the women who lived at the Barbizon Hotel for Women.

What have you read lately? I’d love some recommendations!

**This post was not sponsored by Amazon – I just happen to have a Kindle so I wrote about my experience.  I do not get any commissions if you click on my links**

8 Topics to discuss before traveling with friends

amigas on trail

The Amigas on the trail!

Happy Sunday everyone! I’m writing this from my happy place – my swinging chair on my front porch, with my dog keeping me company.  I LOVE my front porch – it’s my favorite place for morning coffee, meditation, afternoon tea with friends, watching the rain, or just to curl up with a good book. My husband and I sometimes eat dinner out here as well!

Two years ago, I cycled 240 miles through Austria along the Danube River with two friends. We are currently training for our next trip (biking through the Czech Republic in the fall) and this got me thinking about topics we discussed ahead of time that helped make our travel smoother. So here’s our list, in hopes that it might help someone else have a better trip! My assumption here is that you value the friends you will be traveling with and want to nurture those friendships…if not, maybe ask yourself why you’d want to travel with them in the first place!

How to share expenses – If you only talk about one thing before booking a trip with friends, talk about finances.  Are you a budget traveler or do you like to stay in luxury accommodations? Are you on a super tight budget while others in the group have a bit more to spend? Money issues can cause a lot of friction if you don’t hammer out details ahead of time! For our trip, we agreed we were good with mid-level lodging except for one night of the trip when we upgraded to a hotel with a spa (after six straight days of biking, that massage felt really good)! And at our first meal, we realized we hadn’t talked about how to share food expenses. We decided that since we all eat about equally, we would put money into a communal pot from which we would pay for all meals and sightseeing. We put in 100 euros at a time, and when the pot was empty we added more. At the end of the trip, we split what was left. This system worked well for us but if you have a group where people have different budget levels, (or if one person doesn’t drink and others have three drinks every night) it might work better to have everyone pay individually. There are also all kinds of apps now which allow you to track expenses throughout the trip and the app calculates who owes what at the end of the trip. The key here is to talk about it before you leave!

**We did set rules for alcohol consumption – our rules were 1. No more than two drinks from the communal pot at dinner and 2. If someone started ordering six drinks at dinner, the other two were supposed to slap some sense into the person over-imbibing!**

cooffee in cesky krumlov 2

Coffee in Cesky Krumlov – paid for with our communal dining fund

Temperature preference – another important topic if you will be sharing hotel rooms.  Elizabeth and I like to have it cold when we sleep – Jenn likes it warm. Knowing this ahead of time, and knowing that we would be sharing two out of three nights, Jenn brought sweats to sleep in, and Elizabeth and I packed the lightest possible sleep clothes, so we could set the room to a mid-cool temperature.

Each traveler’s need for alone time – You might need time by yourself every day; Sue might be looking forward to spending every minute with you. If you address this need beforehand, Sue won’t be hurt when you want to retreat with a good book after dinner. My friends and I each require alone time in order to function well, so we booked one twin room and one single room for our trip, and rotated roommates each night. We each got a night by ourselves every third day and shared with a different person on the other two – this kept it fun (like sleepovers!) yet gave us our valuable solitude. At the end of our trip, we spent four nights in Vienna, and reserved a three bedroom apartment for those nights. After ten days of traveling together, it was heavenly to have our own bedrooms for the last few days! We recognized that we needed to be proactive on this issue, so agreed to speak up if we wanted to be by ourselves – it does no one any good to hold back and then get resentful or cranky! We ended up with a comfortable flow during the days as well…sometimes two of us would chat on the bikes while the other rode a little ahead or behind, just enjoying the scenery and the peacefulness of the river.

on the danube bike trail

Sometimes we all rode quietly and just enjoyed the peace on the trail

Travel styles – Do you like to get up early and fill every minute with activity, or do you like a slower pace? Are you imagining short, quick meals or leisurely lunches? Do you like to shop or are you all about the museums? How do you feel about seeing ten churches in one day? This is another area where conflicting styles can cause tension. We knew sleep and fuel were important since we were biking six-seven hours each day, so we planned for adequate sleep and a full breakfast each morning, with a break for a sit-down lunch. The three of us enjoy wandering through shops together but also had a few “must see”  attractions we scheduled into our plans. Another important agreement was to stop for bathroom breaks, photos or snacks any time one of us wanted, no matter what. On the rare occasions when we could have felt resentful (I stopped us once not 30 seconds after we had started back up from a 20 minute snack break because I saw some rock “people” on the side of the road and wanted to take a photo) we just reminded ourselves of our agreement and it helped us reset our patience. We also saw some fun details that we might have missed if we hadn’t stopped! And it became a running joke that no matter what, we’d have to stop twice within our first 15 minutes of biking each day – once for me to adjust layers (I was experiencing major hot flashes during this trip) and once for a restroom stop (we drank a LOT of coffee and water before setting out each day so we could wake up and stay hydrated).

rock people

Rock “People” on the side of the trail

Sleep needs – some people can thrive on 6 hours of sleep a night; others need a full 8-9 to be good company. Let your traveling companions know that you want to be in bed by 11, or if you can’t function before 8 am. If you are one who needs more sleep *totally raising my hand here* bring what you need to make that sleep possible! My sleep kit includes an eye shade, ear plugs and melatonin. All three of us like to read before bed, so we brought kindles, which let us read without having to have an overhead lamp on.  Also consider snoring in this category – if you snore and Sue’s a light sleeper, this can cause very disrupted sleep for Sue. It might be well worth the money to get separate rooms in that case!

**Seriously people…sleep is so important when traveling, anything you need to ensure a good night’s sleep is worth every penny.**

Transportation – How do you plan to get to your destination, and around town once you arrive? Will you be walking, using public transportation or do you want to Uber/taxi everywhere? What about getting to and from the airport? Talking about this will avoid that last minute surprise when you come out wearing good walking shoes and your friend shows up in four inch stilettos and wants to take a cab. This can also fall under the financial discussion, as transportation costs can quickly add up for those on a limited budget.

Packing – Are you a diehard light packer and refuse to check a bag? Does Sue like to bring ten pairs of shoes and a huge suitcase? Are you going to be frustrated waiting at the luggage carousel or while Sue takes an extra ten minutes to haul her heavy suitcase up the stairs in the subway? Will you be resentful if you pack lightly only to have Sue ask if she can put her souvenirs in your suitcase “since you have extra room”? Will you have any group items to bring (we had bike repair equipment, but your group might have a tent and air mattresses if camping)? If so, divvy up the common gear so each person carries a little and the load is shared. Discuss luggage expectations and set the rule that everyone carries their own stuff.

shopping haul

One day’s shopping haul – our luggage got heavier as the trip progressed!

And last but not least – how will you handle unexpected problems or issues that arise? Safety falls into this category – we agreed that we would stay together after dark when wandering outside of our hotel. A group of singles might discuss what to do if one of the group wants to stay out all night after meeting someone. We also agreed that if an unexpected problem arose that could be solved with a little bit of money, we would “throw some money at it and make it go away” – this agreement was very handy when we couldn’t find a laundromat for five straight days and had to pay 55 euros for our hotel to do an overnight load of laundry. After two days of biking in day old bike shorts, it was well worth that money to wake up and put on fresh clothes!

Have you ever traveled with a group of friends? What types of things do you wish you had talked about in advance, or were glad you did talk about?

It’s Never Too Late for a Dream

key-dream

photo courtesy of pixabay

New chapters in life can be exhilarating.  They can be terrifying. They are often both at the same time! Whether your new chapter is a birthday, empty nesting, a move to a new state, your youngest child going to school full-time, a new job, a divorce or simply a time when you are ready for a change, it is never too late to CHOOSE the direction you want to take! Don’t be afraid to dream big…we never know where our dreams will take us but I do know that if we don’t dream, we sure won’t go anywhere!

Since turning 50 and becoming an empty nester; I’ve been inspired to actively decide how I want to live this next chapter in my life. My theme is  “Fearless 50’s” so I am planning lots of adventures, both big and small! First up was climbing to the crown of the Statue of Liberty. This had been on my travel bucket list for years but after 9/11 the statue was closed for a long time, then Hurricane Sandy caused further closures. Once it finally reopened I jumped at the chance to climb; I celebrated my 50th birthday with my husband and Lady Liberty!!

Doug and I in Lady liberty.jpg

My husband and I in the crown of the Statue of Liberty

My second big adventure the year I turned 50 was a bike trip through Austria with two girlfriends; we rode 240 miles from Passau, Germany to Vienna, Austria along the Danube river, by ourselves on a self-guided adventure. I had probably only been on a bike ten times since college when I decided to do this, but it truly was one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done! (My cover photo for the blog is from this bike trip – I’ll be writing a full blog post about this trip at some point).

amigas with bikes.jpg

The Three Amigas! I’m on the right

Here are some of my other dreams for this next chapter of my life:

  • I want to do more bike trips with my girlfriends (we actually have the next one booked – the Czech Republic this fall!)
  • I want to plan a solo trip to Paris
  • I want to live in Europe for an extended period of time with my husband
  • I want to see snow come through the oculus in the Pantheon in Rome  – I know what you’re going to say – it rarely snows in Rome and I’ll have a chance in a million of seeing this one….but it’s still a dream (thanks Anthony Doerr, author of Four Seasons in Rome) so it totally counts!
  • I want to explore the National Parks in the western half of the USA.
  • I want to start a travel/lifestyle blog and help inspire others to travel and explore this amazing world (first part is done – don’t think I’ve completed the second part yet as I’m only on post #3…but I can be patient)
  • I want to run an entire 10K (I ran 4 of the 6.2 miles of the Lilac Run in Rochester, NY last year, but want to run the entire thing!)
  • I want to push myself past my comfort zone in training for these bike trips and 10K’s
  • I want to have adventures, both small and big; alone and with my husband/family/friends
  • I want to make a difference in the lives of people who aren’t as lucky as I
  • I want to live a healthy, happy and active life rooted in compassion, love, and an adventurous spirit
  • I want to finish teaching my miniature golden doodle to Stand Up Paddleboard with me and take him on adventures as well

What are some of your dreams for YOUR next chapter in life???